Allan Sherman

Anyone who calls it “sexual intercourse” can’t possibly be interested in actually doing it. You might as well announce you’re ready for lunch by proclaiming, “I’d like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting.

Anyone who calls it “sexual intercourse” can’t possibly be interested in actually doing it. You might as well announce you’re ready for lunch by proclaiming, “I’d like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting.

– Allan Sherman –

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Nick Hornby

Read any women’s magazine and you’ll see the same complaint over and over again: men – those little boys ten or twenty or thirty years on – are hopeless in bed. They are not interested in “foreplay”; they have no desire to stimulate the erogenous zones of the opposite sex; they are selfish, greedy, clumsy, unsophisticated. These complaints, you can’t help feeling, are ironic. Back then, all we wanted was foreplay, and girls weren’t interested. They didn’t want to be touched, caressed, stimulated, aroused; in fact, they used to thump us if we tried. It’s not really very suprising, then, that we’re not much good at all that. We spent two or three long and extremely formative years being told very forcibly not even to think about it. Between the ages of fourteen and twenty-four, foreplay changes from being something that boys want to do and girls don’t, to something that women want and men can’t be bothered with. (Or so they say. Me, I like foreplay – mostly because the times when all I wanted to do was touch are alarmingly fresh in my mind.) The perfect match, if you ask me, is between the Cosmo woman and the fourteen-year-old boy.

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