I was sitting in a bar one night, talking rather loudly about a person I hated – and a man with a beard sat down beside me, and he said amiably, “Why don’t you have him killed?””I’ve thought of it,” I said. “Don’t think I haven’t.””Let me help you to think about it clearly,” he said. His voice was deep. His beak was large. He wore a black mohair suit and a black string tie. His little red mouth was obscene. “You’re looking at the situation through a red haze of hate,” he said. “What you need are the calm, wise services of a murder counsellor, who can plan the job for you, and save you an unnecessary trip to the hot squat.””Where do I find one?” I said.”You’ve found one, ” he said.”You’re crazy,” I said.”That’s right,” he said. “I’ve been in and out mental institutions all my life. That makes my services all the more appealing. If I were to testify against you, your lawyer would have no trouble establishing that I was a well-known nut, and a convicted felon besides.””What was the felony?” I said.”A little thing – practising medicine without a license,” he said.”Not murder then?” I said.”No,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean I haven’t murdered. As a matter of fact, I murdered almost everyone who had anything to do with convicting me of practising medicine without a license.” He looked at the ceiling, did some arithmetic. “Twenty-two, twenty-three – maybe more,” he said. “Maybe more. I’ve killed them over a period of years, and I haven’t read the paper every single day.

I was sitting in a bar one night, talking rather loudly about a person I hated – and a man with a beard sat down beside me, and he said amiably, “Why don’t you have him killed?””I’ve thought of it,” I said. “Don’t think I haven’t.””Let me help you to think about it clearly,” he said. His voice was deep. His beak was large. He wore a black mohair suit and a black string tie. His little red mouth was obscene. “You’re looking at the situation through a red haze of hate,” he said. “What you need are the calm, wise services of a murder counsellor, who can plan the job for you, and save you an unnecessary trip to the hot squat.””Where do I find one?” I said.”You’ve found one, ” he said.”You’re crazy,” I said.”That’s right,” he said. “I’ve been in and out mental institutions all my life. That makes my services all the more appealing. If I were to testify against you, your lawyer would have no trouble establishing that I was a well-known nut, and a convicted felon besides.””What was the felony?” I said.”A little thing – practising medicine without a license,” he said.”Not murder then?” I said.”No,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean I haven’t murdered. As a matter of fact, I murdered almost everyone who had anything to do with convicting me of practising medicine without a license.” He looked at the ceiling, did some arithmetic. “Twenty-two, twenty-three – maybe more,” he said. “Maybe more. I’ve killed them over a period of years, and I haven’t read the paper every single day.

– Kurt Vonnegut Jr. –

Look at the Birdie: Unpublished Short Fiction

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