The largest website for English phrases and quotes

The largest website for English phrases and quotes

Category: Jenny Lawson

Even at age 10, I already knew that I was different from most people. My anxiety disorder was still years from being diagnosed, but it affected me quite deeply. I was too afraid to speak out in class, too nervous to make real friends.

Friends, Speak, Anxiety

No,” I replied testily. “I’m pretty sure ‘digital’ is Latin for ‘fingeral,’ so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland.” The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the “fingeral” wasn’t even a real word. Then I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably because he’s embarrassed that he doesn’t know how Latin works. Then he claimed that “underrecating” isn’t a word either. The man has a terrible bedside manner.

english, grammar-humor, humor, language

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

angry, find, garage, gross, hide, humor, jenny-lawson, moonshine, rattlesnake, refrigerator, wife

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn’t even in the hospital. He doesn’t want pajamas.

cat, hospital, humor, jenny-lawson, lady, nonsensical, number, pajamas, victor-lawson, wrong

I’ve found, though, that people are more likely to share their personal experiences if you go first, so that’s why I always keep an eleven-point list of what went wrong in my childhood to share with them. Also I usually crack open a bottle of tequila to share with them, because alcohol makes me less nervous, and also because I’m from the South, and in Texas we offer drinks to strangers even when we’re waiting in line at the liquor store. In Texas we call that ‘_southern hospitality_.’ The people who own the liquor store call it ‘shoplifting.’ Probably because they’re Yankees.I’m not allowed to go back to that liquor store.

alcohol, southern-hospitality

It’s okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

art, broken, humor, jenny-lawson, oven, yard, yard-art

Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, “Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!

australia, driving, gps, humor, jenny-lawson, left, right, road, roundabout, wrong-side

That night I looked up at those same stars, but I didn’t want any of those things. I didn’t want Egypt, or France, or far-flung destinations. I just wanted to go back to my life from my childhood, just to visit it, and touch it, and to convince myself that yes, it had been real.

childhood-memories, nostalgia

We’re better than Galileo. Because he’s dead.

better, dead, galileo, humor, inspirational, jenny-lawson

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, “My lady garden is going viral.” In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

euphemism, garden, hindsight, humor, lady, lady-garden, parents, phrasing, proud, viral

[I have] occasional depersonalization disorder, (which makes me feel utterly detached from reality, but in less of a “this LSD is awesome” kind of way and more of a “I wonder what my face is doing right now” and “it sure would be nice to feel emotions again” sort of thing).

depersonalization, mental-illness

Really, the only people you should be comparing yourself to would be people who make you feel better by comparison. For instance, people who are in comas, because those people have no spoons at all and you don’t see anyone judging them. Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows he’s fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because he’s dead. So technically I’m better than Galileo because all I’ve done is take a shower and already I’ve accomplished more than him today.

humor, mental-illness, spoon-theory