David Sedaris

Cover your glass in France or Germany –even worse, in England – and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you’re not drinking. ‘Oh, I just don’t feel like it this morning.”Why not?”I guess I’m not in the mood?”Well, this’ll put you in the mood. Here. Drink up.”No, really, I’m OK.”Just taste it.”Actually, I’m sort of…well, I sort of have a problem with it.”Then how about half a glass?

Cover your glass in France or Germany –even worse, in England – and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you’re not drinking. ‘Oh, I just don’t feel like it this morning.”Why not?”I guess I’m not in the mood?”Well, this’ll put you in the mood. Here. Drink up.”No, really, I’m OK.”Just taste it.”Actually, I’m sort of…well, I sort of have a problem with it.”Then how about half a glass?

– David Sedaris –

When You Are Engulfed in Flames

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David Sedaris

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.

David Sedaris

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.

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