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I was miserable before I knew I was no longer happy

I was miserable before I knew I was no longer happy

– Gene Wolfe –

The Shadow of the Torturer

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Simone de Beauvoir

In the old days the worst part of my depression used to be the astonishment it caused me, the scandalized way in which I fought against it. Nowadays, on the other hand, I accept it cheerfully enough, like an old familiar friend.

Jeannine Allison

There’s a crack in my mind,That I don’t know how to heal.There are demons in my head,People tell me are not real.The voices are my own,Speaking words I don’t believe.Convincing me I’m worthless,And that everyone will leave.You want me to be better,Don’t you think I want the same?But you’ve convinced yourself it’s nothing,Or that I’m the one to blame.So I’ll tell you that I’m ‘fine,’Because that’s all you want to hear.And I’ll conceal it with a smile,While hiding all the fear.I’ll bury all the feelings,And I’ll cut out all the pain.But that won’t mean I’m healed,I’ve just chosen to not ‘complain.’Because being sad was only half of it,And it was not the half to kill.The downfall began when I started to feel nothing,When I slowly lost my will.

Maybe it could be depression, like you get. I can understand now how you suffer when you’re depressed; I always thought you liked it and I thought you could have snapped yourself out any time, if not alone, then by means of the mood organ. But when you get that depressed you don’t care. Apathy, because you’ve lost a sense of worth.

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