The largest website for English phrases and quotes

The largest website for English phrases and quotes

Tag: comedy, humour

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon’s downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible.

George Grossmith

He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don’t often make jokes.

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody worse.

Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you’re not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your show. ‘She’s a comedian? She’s not that funny!’ It’s unfair ’cause when cardio surgeon friends say they cut chests open and hold hearts in their hands, everyone just takes their word for it.

I’m making a list of when it’s acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I’ve got: one – when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two – when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three – when confronted with the unremitting loneliness of the human condition. Four – chops. I’ve just written the word ‘chops’. Not really sure where I was going with that one. Any ideas?

If you knew how many hidden depths I had your pretty eyes would pop right out of your winsome face. Not literally of course – that would be disgusting. I wouldn’t envy the man who had to clean up a pair of popped eyes, especially given the state of this deck. I’m not sure we even have any cleaning products that work for popped eyes, although I suppose a general viscera cleaner would do the trick.

Rodney Dangerfield

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he’s got, drive him out of the cheese-making business!Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it