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Category: Celia Rivenbark

Celia Rivenbark

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told.

baking, food, humor

Celia Rivenbark

Never invite someone who is speaking a foreign language in your presence to “Go back to your country.” The only time that phrase is every acceptable is if you are British and you are speaking to Madonna.

language, madonna

Celia Rivenbark

Okay, let’s see if I got this straight. The butt is the new breast, and the lower back is the new ankle. Now if only we could figure out where the brain has moved.

ankles, awesome, back, breast, butt, fashion, silly-trends, strange-fashion, strange-trends, trends

Celia Rivenbark

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being ‘tolerant of differences.’ The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is? Jesus Christ? Tolerance will not be, uh, tolerated. Oh, and tolerance is quite possibly closesly connected to gay-ance.

gay, homophobia, humor, tolerance

Celia Rivenbark

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, ‘Fifty is the new forty!’ Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.

Celia Rivenbark

I’m fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.Of course, you’d have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness while watching those dejected NASA scientiest waiting by the phone like the class wallflower on prom week.On the other hand, it was kind of fun to watch a bunch of men waiting by the phone and seeing how they feel when someone promises they’ll call and then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.

humor, men, nasa

Celia Rivenbark

I really loathe [the bumper sticker] ‘Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!’Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: ‘My Fifteen-Year-Old’s in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us’ or ‘My Kid Robbed a 7-Eleven and is in a Center for Youthful Offenders.

children, humor

Celia Rivenbark

I don’t define success by how much money someone makes. I don’t define success by how many trophies or plaques or awards someone has.I don’t define it by membership in exclusive clubs or the ability to name-drop about someone’s famous friends.I don’t define it by how many luxury cars or opulent homes someone might own or how many sumptuous vacations they might taken in exotic locales all over the

Celia Rivenbark

Jehovah’s Witness are welcomed into my home…You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement.The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, they’ll look at their watches and say, ‘Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now!

humor, religion

Celia Rivenbark

Who can fail to mist at Fergie’s anthem, ‘My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.’ Hmmm. ‘My lunch, my lunch, I swear it’s coming up.

Celia Rivenbark

She suggested we ‘crouch’ buck nekkid on the bed or a dresser and leap out at him from the shadows.Now, my husband can’t see all that well in the dark. I think if he comes into a darkened bedroom and finds 140 pounds of cellulite hurtling through space at him, he’s going to run like the devil.

humor, marriage, sex

Celia Rivenbark

Never marry something until you’ve established the perfect pizza ratio…The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we’re a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two for me…Never marry a man who wants two slices one week and four the next. They’re undependable and highly unpredictable and will likely dump you for some Internet honey who says she doesn’t mind his back hair.

humor, marriage