Tag: openers, introductions

I’m moving down here . . . because some of you in the back might not be able to hear my talk . . . and that wouldn’t be fair to those who can hear it.

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied “There’s a first time for everything so try to be funny and brief.”

Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously they’ve never heard me tell a joke.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I’m pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.

When I told her we were going to roast her she said “Of course . . . they only crucify the innocent.”